I park outside the Leland Hotel around 11pm- The once upon a time art deco 4-star hotel in the heart of Detroit turned “as far as old, dilapidated hotels go, you could not ask for more.” At least according to the google reviews. It’s Valentines and I’m meeting my best drag friend, Jezebel, inside the club inside the hotel that the same reviewer said, “You might feel that this place is scarier than The Shining, and well, it is.”
Personally, I’m not scared, I’m enthralled by the fact that one, I’ve never been here (seriously Miles wtf) and two, just how gorgeous this building is. The carpets, the plaster molding, and the weird garbage bag-covered blackout front desk. I mean, it perfectly walks the line between bed bugs and elegance. I’m sold.
City Club is in what used to be the old ballroom, but any trace of that is long gone. It’s black-out everything except the makeshift photo booth illuminated in blue & black light. A white sheet with a heart and arrow spray painted with the words “Slut Me Out” begging for your crude selfies on this Valentine’s day.
I wait and drink a beer, avoiding eye contact with men and wondering if my teeth are glowing in the dark from my overuse of white strips a decade and half before. Jezebel texts me she’s here before I see her. And when I do finally catch a glimpse of her, I’m cut off at the pass, everyone yelling her name and coming up to her. She’s not actually signing autographs but that’s where my brain goes, and I wait my turn for her attention, watching her graceful movements backlit by blacklight.
There are two bathrooms in City Club. One, male, brightly lit with no door. The other female, still brightly lit, but with an attached lounge area of couches and mirrors- so dark that if you’re walking by you’ll see shapes and shadows, but make nothing out. The lounge area is almost like a waiting room of intrigue. But to be honest, the male and female of it all seem arbitrary here.
I follow Jezebel into the dark lounge area off the bathroom, and we sit for just a moment before diving into the picture taking part. I’m only half panicked thinking how I’m gonna get focus in a dark room with an old analog camera I can barely see out of.
It is in this ladies lounge I will picture her when a few days later I actually interview Jay, the human that Jezebel is an extension of, or as they put it “Jezebel is me but to the Nth degree, a rebellion of the way I was born, or raised rather.”
We will talk for almost two hours. Starting at Gathering Coffee Co, before being forced to leave because of an emergency they were having, finishing up in Jay’s car. The daylight feels like a safety blanket for the topics we’re discussing, while the photoshoot itself has a more palpable raw feeling in my memory. As if that late club night were the moments we were actually living.
It may seem arbitrary to someone who has never had to make the conscious decision of which bathroom they use, but I ask, “how do you navigate the decision of which restroom to go into? For both Jezebel and Jay?”
Jay begins, “When we’re talking about the experiences of going to the restroom, Jezebel will always exist in those femme spaces, those non-masculine spaces. And I say non-masculine because you’ll sometimes see non-binary [restrooms]…”
Jay continues, bringing the conversation around to when they are not in drag, “in the past I think as Jay, I would go into the women’s room, or whatever, if my friends were there… if I was in a queer space… and if it is divided by gender, I’m gonna go into the women’s restroom.”
“But when I’m in those more cis, straighter spaces that are maybe not so queer and welcoming, I have to keep in mind my safety and the safety of more femme-presenting or trans women because I know that my presence could actually affect the larger conversation of these things. Right now, there is a battleground about who can use the restrooms. That is literally a talking point by politicians which is literally so absurd when people literally want to take a shit or piss, or shoot the shit with their girls. But there is a fixation on policing everyone's bodies.”
And I know what Jay is talking about. The headlines so absurd they seem click-baity. But they’re not absurd, not in the traditional sense. They’re very real especially for those people who have to navigate a space that is a human necessity. It’s not like people can just say, ‘nevermind, today I just won’t eat or drink anything.’ Except I bet that does happen, and femmes risk their health so they can hopefully avoid the controversy until they feel safe.
Jay continues…
“Now because of that there is the external content which is, if someone wants to be an asshole and they see me in there, they would use it as some social fodder, ‘oh there was a man in the women’s room,’ like I’m very aware of how I appear, non-binary is within, it’s not really an external thing, and that’s all contingent on what I’m wearing because your identity is not the same as your presentation.” Jay clearly making the distinction that while for some people choosing a bathroom is a decision made on auto-piolet, for them and other non-binary and trans folks, they have to always be conscious of what their external self is displaying.
“So there's the external safety… of femmes and non-men that need to use the restrooms… but then there’s also my own personal safety… like if for instance Jezebel had to use the men’s room for some reason, I would rather pee on myself,” they say with an emphasis in their tone to make their point. “Not that I would, but at that point I would just go outside because at that point my safety is on the line and I don’t want to do that.”
I ask, “have you ever felt unsafe in a men’s room, or in a women’s room?”
“It’s interesting because the last few years I’ve felt it more. Before moving to Detroit I was going to the women’s room very, very often in Jersey, which Jersey, even then, 8 years ago, Jersey was not where it is now… it’s not a city… and when I would go to these places, people there are disarmed, ‘like oh they’re queer.’”
Jay pauses, then goes deeper…
“There was something I used to do that was really interesting, and I still do it to some extent, which is code switch, slightly. So that if I do see women [going to the restroom] I will feel more safe. I think I was more code switchy back then, these days… I’m more comfortable with myself.”
Jay keeps going, bringing it full circle to Detroit.
“So like I have this one brunch, at a space that has various restaurants within it, so even though I’ll be performing whatever bingo brunch, when I have to use the restroom, I’m gonna go to the women’s room, but I may encounter people who are there maybe just to eat and maybe not go the show. And that introduces a sort of like, weird sort of friction where you don’t know what you’re gonna get. And I’ve gotten weird looks, but then I’ve also gotten ‘Bitch you look good.’ … So it’s kind of a mixed bag but if I ever have a little more anxiety even as Jezebel… I will sometimes wait a little bit. But then it’s just so dependent on my mood, cause there are days, too, when I’m like if anyone tries me today I’m gonna read the shit out of them. And I don’t care.’
“And it happened recently where I had to use the men’s restroom as Jezebel.”
“Why”
“Because there was just no availability.”
“Ohhh there was a line out the door.”
“Of course, of course, shocker. There was not enough space in the actual women’s room. So I had to run in there, and it ended up being fine, but there was definitely a moment where I was like, this could end up being messy.”
“Do you remember the first time you walked into a femme restroom, or women’s restroom as Jay, and as Jezebel?’
“So the first time with Jay I must have been 14… it was at middle school and I went in with my friend Kristen. And Kristen was one of the first people who would let me be myself a little bit, which is really cool. Funny enough now she’s like this republican Cuban girl, it is what it is, but back then she was a lot more chill, so is life. But she was like, “Bitch get in here,” and I went in and we chatted, and that was one of the first moments when I was like, first of all its cleaner in here, it smells nicer, but also I don’t have to follow the rules like that.”
“Yea, the rules are arbitrary,” I agree.
“And then the first time with Jezebel… My first time officially out and about was drag Pride 2014 in New York, and that was a rough day. Wearing heels like that for the first time, I was crying by the end of the day, not really crying but I was in excruciating pain… But… I had to pee, and so I just went in and I knew it was going to be fine. And it was pride, so there’s that. And real talk the first few times I was in drag I was in New York which is like, no one gave a shit, period.”
It’s at this point in the conversation that we move to Jay’s car because of that coffee shop emergency. In the privacy of East Grand Boulevard I ask about any erotic experiences Jay or Jezebel may have experienced in the bathroom.
“When we’re talking about liberties that restrooms have given me… aside from party favors, there is a couple different things. One, it's given me a chance to kinda like ki and chat with my girls and shoot the shit. And this used to happen to me a lot more when I was younger, you know when we’re like new to drinking and there is times when were a little too lit and there’s like the girl in there that’s talking about a boy, and I’m like ‘girl what’s going on,’ and we just all like play therapist with each other. And that’s the funniest thing. You become best friend’s with someone for like, just a night. And you might never see this person again, or you might. There’s been people I’ve actually met in restrooms where we’ve actually, like, stayed in touch. And we’ve became actual friends which is really funny and actually sweet.”
It's easy for me to drum up experiences threaded through my life that are like this. Helping a stranger with their lipstick or maybe even changing clothes with them. And even though there is a simplicity to these moments, there is also this intimacy.
Jay begins talking about one of Jezebel's first shows in Detroit.
“I used to perform at this one show… when [this] venue was still new and I remember that time being very DIY and very fun. The drag scene [in Detroit], in 2018… we were all like a little busted… we’re more established now, and we all look a certain way and we’re very clean but back then things were just a little more rough around the edges, and I still try to retain that in my drag now, but anyway I say all that to say, back then it all felt so limitless.… Back then when we were doing these events it was a one of a kind thing, so we would all just kind of congregate in these spaces, and I was just ki with everyone, and I wrote my name in that stall, and it was just always such a fun space.” I want to ask Jay if they’ve been back recently to see if their name is still in that stall, but I forget, entranced while listening to them.
“And even my own shows… like I had a show at [this other venue] and there was no green room, it just had two bathrooms, so what we would do is close down the women’s room and we would layer a sign over the men’s room that said ‘All Gender Restroom’, and the women’s room would become our dressing room… and it was just the sweetest thing. At that point it becomes super intimate because you're with these performers that you’re working with and it becomes a more playful situation and just this place, you know, to banter and have fun.”
Jay continues trying to answer my original question of erotism in restrooms… “If we’re talking about sexual things though, I’m trying to think…”
I interrupt to tell them “don’t feel any obligation to give me any sexual exploits, either.”
“It’s just there is so much to say about restrooms in Detroit… Especially if we're talking about queer spaces specifically. It’s just so funny how restrooms are different in queer spaces, like you know famously… Menjos is really just somewhere to get a little bit of strange and that’s funny and I love that, and The Eagle, the afters connected to Menjos complex, that bathroom door is always open. Yet, I’ve still had moments when I’ve walked in and been like, ‘ope’ and someone is just going to town on someone. And I’m like, ‘okay, period.’ And I’ll either wait or be like, ‘excuse me guys’ and they’ll be ‘oh, sorry.’ And then they’ll run to the back room, which is where that’s supposed to be.”
“But it's all like a little ki, it’s all like, ‘you guys are so silly. And that’s what I love about those queer spaces, there’s just a lot more freedom. At least where I come from. I don’t care to judge people. I’m just like, you know baby, if you’re in the mood, and we’re in a space like this, this is a liberatory space, and it’s like, we’re not really granted that kind of freedom in the same capacity, or freedoms in the same way in general. I don’t care. Do it. Do your thing. I always grimace, when I see people policing bodies in spaces that you know are somewhat sexual. And I don’t think all queer spaces have to be sexual, but I mean we’re talking about The Eagle, which is part of a series of leather club bars around the country. So it’s like yea there’s gonna be some of that going on, so if you’re not down with hanky panky, don't go then.”
“I’ve also been to another... gay after hours, that one of the bathrooms is strictly for using the restroom, and the other is for purchasing drugs. And the first time I went in there… I just went to the stall and I peed and flushed and everyone was like “what the fuck are you doing” and I was like “what?” and they were like ‘girl this isn’t that kind of restroom,’ and I was like ‘oh, duh.’ And now you know. The other bathroom is for peeing and pooping or whatever, But please don’t poop at the club. But it happens, you know. I’ve been there, I clogged a toilet one time in Pittsburg, The Blue Moon, this gay club… Funny enough it was when I was moving [to Detroit]… I’m famous for clogging toilets, it’s really crazy.”
“I’m trying to think about sexual shit, it’s just in my old age…”
I tap in, “Well what do you think the correlation is between the seediness of bathrooms and the sexual element? Cause I mean bathrooms are disgusting and necessary and humanizing and leveling.”
“There’s a lot to be said about them, but there’s definitely a correlation between the amount of piss you smell and the lewdness you’re gonna see. And people should keep that in mind…. I think my favorite restrooms are just really seedy. One, because the ambiance, two because I’m just a nightlife monster. I just love after hours and I love the freedom of it. I think that’s what it is if you reduce it down to its concentrate... I love the anything goes aspect of it.”
And it feels like the interview is almost over when Jay opens up about something I didn’t see coming. An experience that left them feeling detached from their body which I can feel as they describe it.
“I had an experience one time when I was 18, I was on a bus and someone sexually assaulted me on the bus, and I remember my head went to… I dissociated that’s really what it was and I became like this zombie thing, where I got out of my body, and I was going to work actually, and I remember getting off of the bus and it was this crazy fight or flight thing and I’m walking this route to work and this guy was just following me and hinting at ‘lets go finish it in the bathroom.’ And I guess the flight took over cause I just started sprinting to work.”
“And I remember the first hour of work I was just out of it and when I finally came to I told my manager...this cis straight guy… this piece of shit… And I didn’t give him the full details… but I was in such a state of shock that I didn’t know how else to express what had just happened, ‘oh yea this guy was just jerking off on a bus and he started following me.’”
“There was more that happened than just that… I started spewing out words and then I came to, ‘you can’t confide in this person, because he’s not gonna understand what just happened.’ And that feeling that I had of being disconnected from my body.” I think Jay is remembering that feeling in their body now.
“And it's crazy because that experience affected me up until last year… For the decade that followed that, when I would engage in some sort of sexual activity, if I wasn’t inebriated in some way I would start to hyperventilate… sometimes I would start to fall asleep… And when I told this to my then therapist she was like yea… that’s PTSD.”
“And it’s interesting, we’re talking about the restrooms as sort of this liberatory space, but it can also be a prison, and that’s sort of the weird thing, granted nothing happened in that restroom, but it's sort of representative of the safety and the harm of that isolation that you have. Like it can be really intimate but that intimacy can really turn on you… and your intimacy is still there and that’s the problem, your intimacy is still there and it’s being taken advantage of. Fundamentally.”
We both sigh into the truth that there is a duality to restrooms. Freedom and danger.
I ask, “Is there anything else that you think is important to say for Jay or Jezebel?”
“Yea. I can’t wait for the day I can feel a little more at ease… While I have developed in ways where I’m comfortable in myself, the world has grown to be less comfortable with me, and I find that so interesting because I really thought we would have been past some of this shit by now. But we’re not. And it just seems that people are marinating on things that are really not important. We could be focusing on things like gun control or something like that, but instead we’re policing people’s bodies.”
Jay continues, “I think literally all these things would be resolved if we made all restrooms all gender restrooms.”
They pause, collecting the sum of the parts we have talked about, “This is what you should take away from what I’m saying,” going back to trans women and femmes using women’s bathrooms: “is this person a cis-straight man, or realistically are you just a bigot, you can see that these people are femme presenting and they’re literally just doing their thing… and the point it becomes police-y… they’re gonna use that defense, ‘oh this is a man’ but that is a guise for your own bigotry and that defense has holes in it.”
We leave it there, say our goodbyes. A week later as I finish writing about this experience I’ll get a text from Jay. It’s a screenshot of an instagram post and a note saying “This was that emergency. Insane." referring to the coffee house we got kicked out of.
The screenshot said,
To our community :
Tuesday afternoon, we received a letter.
The letter in its ten pages, held words, phrases, and images of hate and fear.
Amidst its contents were also dates and threats of potential harm.
Due to the nature of this letter, out of protection for our team and for you, our community, we have decided to close our doors for the next week, until these dates have passed.
This decision will give us time to implement new safety protocols as we seek to re-open our doors, and will not do so, until these protocols are put into place.
We are beyond grateful for all of you, and will be sharing an update tomorrow, about ways you can support us during this time.
-The Gathering Team
My first response is holy fuck. And then that feeling of hoping and praying that everyone I’ve ever loved and they’ve ever loved is not in the wrong place at the wrong time in the path of some fuck with a manifesto.
I realize bathrooms are a microcosm of this. A hope and a prayer that everyone I’ve ever loved and they’ve ever loved is not in the proverbial wrong bathroom at the wrong time for all reasons Jay has so eloquently pointed out.
My heart breaks and swells, full of inflammation from this news.
I go over the photos of Jezebel one more time in the dim light of the City Club bathroom lounge. It dawns on me. Those lightbulbs have never been changed by design. They create shadow and safe space. A dark pocket world of fluidity and freedom, for all those who enter. It serves a purpose beyond what your eye may initially see, or not see in this case. And I can’t tell what’s safer for the patrons of the once upon a time ballroom. If those lights stay out, or if the pocket world becomes illuminated.
***You can find more information on Jay and Jezebel at https://jayorellana.com/
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