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Transcript of a Hypothetical TikTok Cooking Video photo

Okay guys today I'm going to be making you one of my favorite dishes from childhood with a couple of my own little twists. My mom used to make this all the time and I just love it. It's suuuper simple. It’s so hearty and filling and warm. It's one of my favorite comfort foods so I wanna share it with y’all. Okay so you're gonna need about two pounds of polish sausage, maybe like four or five good-sized russet potatoes, some baby carrots, one green cabbage, one purple cabbage, a large yellow onion, a few cloves of garlic, and some seasonings. And then while you're gathering those ingredients you're gonna dissociate, but just for a moment, at which point you're gonna question whether or not this is a healthy meal, and whether you might be better served to just put everything directly in the trash because, who are you kidding, that’s where most of your food ends up anyway. Gang gang! Okay so then you're going to cut up all of your vegetables and put them into a pot on medium heat with a couple of tablespoons of EVOO and add your seasonings. And you're gonna let that cook until the carrots and potatoes are almost tender. So now it's time to add your polish sausage. My mom always used the precooked kind from the deli section that comes in shrinkwrap. If you're using precooked, all you're gonna need to do is brown it so you can add it right into the pot after that. At this point you're going to look at the sausage you bought and realize it's the wrong kind to do that, and that you're gonna have to parboil and then brown it separately because otherwise it's just not gonna cook right. So you're gonna do that and while that is happening you're going to bite your chapped lips and pick at your cuticles and watch the cabbage overcook because of your mistake. Then you’re going to think about the fact that you ate your first meal of the day one hour earlier than your normal intermittent fasting schedule. So you’re gonna google “what’s the most weight a person can gain from eating one meal”, and then you’re gonna want to belabor yourself over your inability to commit to one or another fad diet, while at the same time worry that your inclination to pursue fad diets is indicative not of a desire for optimal health, but a diagnosis of “avoidant restrictive food intake disorder”, or ARFID. So make sure you do all of those things because if you don’t, this recipe will not turn out right. You’re gonna wanna make sure that you turn the sausages regularly so that they cook evenly. You can do them on the stovetop or in the oven. I like to cut them into smaller segments and do them in the oven because then you get lots of nice crispy ends like you see here and they’re not overly juicy. No cap for real. And then you're gonna think that you should really call your mom because you haven't talked to her in a week, which is gonna cause you to fly into a panic about what you're gonna do when your mom dies, which in turn, is gonna cause you to fly into an ever bigger panic over the guilt you know you're gonna feel when your dad dies because you never ever spend enough time with him even though he always makes the effort. And then you're gonna remember that you're cooking and you should really watch to make sure that you don't start a house fire because your stovetop has always been a little bit fiddly and the pilot light goes out pretty regularly. Plus you know how bad house fires can be and you're not sure if the extinguishers that came with your apartment have been inspected or maybe even tampered with. And then once your sausage is nicely browned, you're gonna take the lid off of the pot and gaze into it, and as you're doing that, you're going to realize that the meal you've made is completely unrecognizable from the memory of how your mom used to make it and that's gonna elicit a kind of deeply-bittersweet anguish and melancholy that feels somehow simultaneously ambiguous and all-encompassing. And then you're gonna notice the dishes that are still sitting in your drying rack from a day or two ago and so you'll start putting those dishes away but then even after you're done you still don't feel right with how cluttered your space always is, which is gonna electrify your nerve endings to an uncomfortable degree, so you're gonna just kind of move things around on the countertops and unplug the toaster because you remembered that one of your exes was always worried about leaving toasters plugged in. And then you're gonna become acutely aware that you live in an apartment, one which itself resembles a toaster in dimension and shape, one with shoddy wiring run by a slumlord, so it's normal that it's never quite felt like home so you resign yourself to tolerating the squalor and that, really, even though it doesn't feel like home it's become so familiar that it's almost like it's a part of your body, but that also, you've always had a pretty dysphoric relationship to your body which has maybe led you to develop some not altogether healthy behaviors. So then you're gonna pace around the kitchen for more than a few minutes just kind of raving to yourself about general kitchen things, like the fact that another one of your exes still has a bunch of the nice glass containers you use for leftovers because you’ve tried to reduce your consumption of petroleum byproducts, or the increasing number of huge, rogue palmetto bugs that have been making it just past the pesticide laden barrier of your home and dying in spasms on the peeling linoleum floor. At this point you can go ahead and plate your meal up, top it with a little more black pepper and enjoy! Like I said, this is a super simple recipe, but if you want to jazz it up with your own touches I’m sure it will still be great. I’ve used rainbow carrots and sweet potatoes before which was really fun. And then you're going to decide, looking at the pile of slop that you've prepared for yourself that maybe you're not terribly hungry, maybe this would be a good time to make one of those perpetual stew videos that people started putting out during the pandemic, so you're gonna scrape your plate back into the pot and put the whole thing into your refrigerator without covering it and then you're gonna walk the eight feet in your shitty, crumbling apartment to your bed and you're gonna go to sleep. Don’t forget to hit that like and follow.