Can’t pay for a car with a dead-end job
so you pick me up after my shift
in your mum’s minivan

For once making use of all that space
We pile my shit in the back
Black trash bags like lugging the dead

Where naked bodies
once tangled in the trunk
lit up under TK Maxx parking lot lights

Your finger on my lips
whispering shhhh
as strangers passed

Now we just drive
Looking through my things to pass the time
my old Catholic school uniform

Can you believe I wore this in high school?
Buttoned up with limbs crossed
For a second I forget where I am—vertigo

That creeping feeling comes
until I can't do this any longer
I’m rabid, ready to burst at the seams

So pent up inside but I hold on
I want to scream
Do kegels instead

You could pull over to some trendy East London bar
where the bouncer in workman overalls thinks he’s a riot
This is not a public toilet. You have to buy something

And I’d knock on the window
you’d roll it down
Can you give me £5?

Baby I’m broke
I decide to spare us the shame
and hold it in

“Love is the running towards”
the sign above the fire station says
but you take me away from tomorrow

Grabbing my clammy hand
I lean over the console, my head on your shoulder
a reflex—with Pavlov to blame

Whoever said confront the truth
doesn't know how it feels
to be too broke to piss with dignity

My leg twitches, you think it’s funny
But this is no laughing matter
Two wolves tearing at my bladder

You turn down the radio
A heart thumps—it’s mine
Oh God … someone restrain me

I blurt out the worst thing I ever did
until I have nothing left to say
maybe confession will relieve me

You’re a warrior—you spin your wheels, tell me I'm so strong
turning my rot into roses
but I don’t want to be at war anymore

I want to pee my brains out
Humiliation is a kink
but I just can’t keep it in

Friends tell me: focus on the facts
The fact is
you were a good fuck

There’s no ground to stand on
Four wheels but
no earth below

Your hand touches my leg
I’m wet immediately
the other kind, okay

I loved you like a pipe dream
like a solicited dick pic
drunk on possibility

The only absolution
I need
is a hole in the ground

You get what you give
Someone please give me a goddamn toilet
I’ll do anything

Against my better judgement
I stare into the morning sun
C’mon now

Passenger princess, king behind the wheel
This is not our first rodeo
in fact it’s our last

Close the door, squeeze my legs
God I hate goodbyes. So this is it
Bye for real this time

New flat, new keyring
I can feel my defences
go up like the walls that are just mine

We’ve got the rest of our lives now
I’m so close to coming on the carpet
Fuck it

Trickling down my denim
the sweetest release
smells putrid

But I finally know
what it’s like
to pee in peace