untitled

last night i had several nonspecific thoughts
about distance, or sadness, or impermanence

it was as if all sounds and textures existed independently of me
and independently of human experience in general

it was late and we were on drugs
my body felt weak or depleted
you were facing away from me
my hand was barely touching your arm

we lay in your bed and mumbled together
consciously allowing ourselves to experience the absence of loneliness
resigned to the knowledge that we will never be able to fully express anything

in the morning your breath was sour and i felt angry at you

i imagined the sound of your voice, in the future
when you hate me more than you ever have

then i felt the comforting abrupt movements
of your hand pushing against my face

i was reminded of a hospital waiting room
ten years ago
when i still had asthma attacks
 

untitled

2 days after you broke up with him
he is sitting on a chair at your desk

you put your boots on and say
'im hungry'

you don't want to touch him

he says 'lie down with me'
you put your head on his chest

try to not allow his scent to claim valuable space in your memory

you imagine he is someone else
you imagine he is 3 different people

at an indian restaurant
he says something indiscernible,
about you not loving him anymore

he asks why you can't be good

you know that 'love' is a different thing depending on
the context of the speaker
and interpretation of the listener

you don't know the meaning of 'good' without clearly defined goals

you are resigned
to your inability or lack of desire
to express thoughts to anyone
including yourself

you say 'you don't like me'
he says 'why don't you want to like a person'

you think about quitting your job while he has sex with you

sex feels like a burden when you aren't on drugs

you have cried more in front of people in the last 6 months
than in the last 5 years of your life combined