“God, dating Drake would be like dating a submissive,” my daughter said.

Last fall, Aaron tweeted something about accepting a few comics from a nine year-old. We’d soon discover the boy’s name was Alex Jiang, and that he was hilarious. When “Meet Lazy Wolf,” “Fashion

Do you think Buffalo Wings are good?

Construction drills
grind, teeth against the pavement.

To hack through the tail of a porpoise and free him from your gillnet, you’ve really got to have a strong steady hand. You've really got to try and find your faith. 

1. Mental aberrations include: feeling ‘ants’ beneath the skin.

Dear 52-Hertz Whale: Because you sing at a frequency no other whales can hear, scientists have nicknamed you "The World's Loneliest Whale." I'm sure it's unbearable out there, swimming through eternity, calling out...

You always complained of migraines. Now, I’m trying to decided if I’m sorry for not having sympathy for you.

At my friend’s bonfire on a chilly Southwestern night, a blond woman in Birkenstocks approached me and said that her name was Singing Humyn.

Only one person on the team had a significant mustache. She was the only girl, but she wasn’t good at math. 

Memories are like Asian pears. Store them cold and they will keep.

She climbed shivering out of the river. The Taigan smeared its nose on her shin. Soily fish. Down on the rug, massaging its

Are you ready dear Brianna?

Idk what it is but I’ve never liked Thomas Street Tavern. It was even listed on the itinerary of “Bars We Don’t Fuck With” one night when my roommate and I got drunk and devised a plot to attend all of the neighborhood bars we never go to. 

Sean Connery has been waiting three entire movies to say this line. The first chance he got, Dr. No beat him to it, ordered the drink for him with that genteel menace so common among Bond villains.

Angélica, who is always setting me up with the entirely wrong type of man, invited the raw foodist to lunch. In the crowded restaurant, he sat rigidly upright, munching on sesame seeds, waiting Zen-like for us to decide on a dish.

Gosling has an understanding beyond the Franco. There’s a certain silence to his pose. I dig his tone, even if he’s sexy.

Nicki Minaj just said, “all my independent women make some noise.”
I didn’t know if she meant me.

With all of these other endeavors, Elizabeth's reading life has changed markedly, and she was kind enough to talk to me about it.

On the nights my father brings home a new howl my mother prepares a feast and adorns a whalebone corset like a rib carved from the moon. On these nights I love my family because we are together and in this way I have come to worship the wolf.

Caitlyn, let me take that hair / in my own hands and curl it down your back.

Once outside, I unroll The Jacka's sweatshirt from my jacket, revealing the XXXL garment, in all its glory, reeking of blunts and harsh body odor.

Two years earlier in a set of skyscrapered offices with panoramic views of dusty Los Angeles, I was an underling and he was not.

"The damage isn't that bad, not yet." 

My daughter is going to be so disappointed in me.

April 6, 2014
Opening Day
San Diego Padres
vs.
Los Angeles Dodgers
Dodger Stadium
Los Angeles, CA

San Diego



Los

She lasts another day, maybe two.