the fact that i love cats
has nothing to do with
the fact that my father
loves cats which does
not make me think about
how he doesn’t love me
i don’t need your cat
to love me but it makes
me feel a little better abt
the fact that you don’t
and it’s fucked up and
i know. when i was a
toddler my mom kept
a book of all the funny
things i would say
one was, when i grow up
i want to marry daddy
another page details
my attempt to take my
head off and wash it
upon being casually told
to in the tub, & my surprise
when my head would not
come off. a child is a sponge
it will dry and harden if left
alone. you want a secure
attachment but i want
to disappear so now what
i have only recently begun
to take baths for the first
time since childhood.
had my first orgasm
five years ago and i
am thirty-one. i’ve been
daydreaming of getting
a cat but not in a real way
because what if i don’t
love it or it doesn’t love
me. i draw myself a bath
in order to see how long
i can sit still. i say, okay
now take your head off
and wash it. it doesn’t
work but i am no longer
surprised. i don’t want
to marry anyone because
what if i don’t love them
or they don’t love me
you want a secure
attachment and i want
to disappear
