let the record show that it was an accident        &        that I’m a nice guy
I didn’t mean
to cause a scene         or detract or distract from such a sacred day I can        explain there was
Vicodin for a toothache                        I had been letting it walk me        where it wanted to go
Vicodin is why I was smiling      why you could have thought I meant it when I smiled          in the
photographs    & there was Valium for intractable panic                           for     forgetting that I don’t
mean anything to anyone or matter in any grand or petty scheme           & there was liquor because of
course there was;          it was a wedding.

                                                                               It was winter                    &           I was cold       &
more than that I am so sorry that we didn’t fuck                                       I had always wanted to fuck a
bridesmaid                    you were very pretty   &            I’m kind of a whore        &           we live on
opposite coasts, so it would have been one of those wonderful           &             non-contingent fucks
that     pockmark            our lives             with warm moments              where we don’t feel so very
alone               &             I can’t be sure you felt as alone as I did          but I can be sure that it was
going to swallow me whole         hence the downers        they      help  but please know I am sorry for
overdosing at the wedding
I didn’t mean
to cause a scene           or detract or distract from such             a sacred day   I meant everything I
said        I always mean what I say         you were very pretty                           I would have liked you
to meet my mother
she would have loved you.