i fried my feelings young, physical and otherwise, with overuse; burnt out my nerve endings, my limbic system, watched them chug chug chug in a desperate attempt to process every bit of bad i threw at them; when i’m ten a sleepover goes so very wrong and i learn just how small i am; when i’m twelve i watch a documentary about factory farming and sleep with my light on for a year; when i’m fourteen my best friends write me a note telling me they don’t like me anymore; when i’m nineteen a man i don’t know puts his hands around my neck and squeezes and i realize how badly he could hurt me if he wanted to; when i’m twenty pain sets in and doesn’t go away; when i’m twenty-one the only man i’m ever sure i loved tells me, i’m feeling like last night was a mistake, and what is there to say but me too

and then all at once, it goes quiet

a broken piston, fuel flooding, internal combustion

total systemic failure

so i push it, see what i can’t take, practice a sort of emotional asceticism; marathon sad movies to make sure they won’t make me cry; bludgeon time to death with an endless scroll of youtube shorts and instagram reels; eat only chicken breast and microwaved broccoli and wheat bread

i tell a therapist i do the same things that i used to but they don’t feel the same anymore and she tells me maybe that’s just how it is now

i try to write, pull bloody words from my skull like teeth, but they all come out wrong

numb now at the fingertips, numb everywhere else too; not down there, you can try but it’ll be embarrassing for both of us; maybe it’s the pills, or maybe i should be taking more pills; maybe i’m ashwagandha deficient; i’m sure my gut health is all out of whack

i keep love around like a shirt i hope i’ll fit into again someday

and then, slowly, slowly; the right diagnosis; the right medication; the right physical therapist; sundrowned picnics and long hikes in far off forests and a finger run so gently down my spine my whole body aches; want to play a game? i’ll trace a word on your back and you have to guess what it is; a snooze button pressed again and again until you’re late for work

i linger in stolen moments, buy time i know i can’t afford

myself, but different; the second liberty bell, a replica broken in the same way; maybe that’s what matters

i look; i listen

here, i will take the world from you, just for a moment

take a breath; hold it; let it go

sit with me for a moment, tell me where you’ve been

i might never have known