Nov 13 23
7:05pm.

I take the tab, Wale isn’t home but he said put it under your tongue until it dissolves, I do just that, when it can’t dissolve anymore, I swallow the rest of it
Now we wait, I say to myself.

Excited, just before I took the tab, I finished reading Leary’s the psychedelic experience and took a shower, I feel at peace. 

30 minutes pass, nothing is happening, I try not to panic, I’m not supposed to, Stewart took his earlier today, he says everything there is to about his trip, lizard staring contest, spines with weird sensations, floatation. I eat two tangerines.

An hour passes, nothing is happening, I text Wale, tell him it isn’t working, he says I should just chill that it should be kicking in already, I ask Stewart how long it took for his to work, he tells me 20 minutes, he tells me 30, I take another tangerine, I take one of my dad’s moin moin’s to eat, it’s spicy, I feel really hungry, I’m eating the tangerine and moin moin at the same time, I try not to panic, I’m not supposed to.
I go outside, there’s a field of overgrown weeds in front of my house, I stand on a rock and stare at them, everything has stopped, I can hear my heart beating, I look up and try to find the stars, I find them, there’s a comfort up there somewhere, the moon stares back, I look back down, taking deep breaths, I stare into the ground, at my feet, at the plants around, at the sand, at the floor’s soul at the soul’s floor, it breathes as I do, collapsing in on itself.

This isn’t working, I tell myself.

I’ve felt this before, regular schizo day, same thing I told Stewart earlier when he talked about seeing through the veil of the world, regular schizo day. I walk back inside. I stop at the kitchen and cue the fit of hysterical laughter, it stops as abruptly as it started, I walk back into my room and sit on my bed. My brother walks in, I say it isn’t working over and over again, he tells me I’m fucked over and over again. This one time, this one fucking time, a lifetime of sobriety for this moment, this one fucking time and it doesn’t work, I try not to panic, I’m not supposed to, I’m failing, laughter again.

I go to my toilet to take a piss, taking piss, I see a spider, a cobweb reaching to the ceiling, but I don’t see the ceiling yet, just the spider, pissing has ended, I watch the spider, climbing the web till it gets to the ceiling, then it disappears into the darkness and I don’t see it anymore, there’s a light in my hand and I point it upwards, the spider is gone but its shadow remains and I watch it, spinning webs, I stand there for a minute or two, trying to be perceptive, trying to see if this is where I meet God, if this is where I start to levitate and my soul races through entire spectrums, if this is where my eyes stop being mine and they are now themselves and I can see me through me looking at me seeing me us everything, it isn’t, the spider just keeps spinning the fucking web, I leave, my room ceiling decorated with black cobwebs from that one time the room caught fire years ago, my body feels hot, I take another tangerine.

I go to my living room, stop at the dining for a laughing fit, I feel fucked, I lie down on the couch for a while, trying to be calm, eyes closed, I can hear my stomach talking to itself, I can hear the blood pumping in my body, I get tense, I start pacing the living room, I take my phone out and start to text my friends, I text Mary Margaret, I tell it isn’t working, she asks if I want to call her, I do, I do, we talk for what seems like forever, I spew out the usual nonsenses, she says I’m vulgar a lot, I tell her I’m in love with her a lot, my brother comes in, he’s binge watching a show, Fleabag, I think, he takes out of my moin moin, he asks how I feel, I tell him I feel nothing, my eyes are especially sensitive to the light emitting from my phone screen now. I open my laptop and watch the Stargate sequence of 2001, I tell myself this is what drugs should feel like, 2001 made me trip the last time I watched it, I thought it would work again this time, or at least trigger the fucking lsd, it doesn’t. I tell myself to give up, I’ve had out of body experiences too many times already, I’ve met my higher state of consciousness too many times already, I’ve seen God too many times already, regular schizo day, cerebral inclination to the divine that is the universe that is the self that is symptom of sikosis according to my therapist.

I see Zara’s name in scribbles of floating color when I close my eyes, I text her and tell her I still love her, we talk about my loving her, same old stuff, she can’t love me like I love her, I tell her I don’t need her to love me back, I just want her to let me love her, she says she can’t, she says I deserve more, I tell her this is all I’m getting because this is all I deserve, I think I cry inside, I think I feel hollow, I eat another tangerine, more moin moin, I drink a fuckton of water.

I listen to Love Chained by Cannons and The Weeknd’s Kiss Land, I see the songs as I listen to them, I see them completely, fucking colors and waves and vibrations, I hear them as a whole, I hear them as myself, as I heard my insides earlier, I think the music is inside me somewhat, this is the best part.

I go to my room again, completely over the whole thing now, disappointed the drug didn’t work, excited that my theory was right and that I’m the drug, I’m my own trip, fuck you Tim Leary, fuck you Ram Dass, fuck you Tame Impala, fuck you Gaspar Noe, I open my laptop again and start watching Songs From The Second Floor, every second is beautiful, transcendental, every scene is complete, the scene in the train where the main character stands in the middle of the frame, ashy face, crestfallen expression painted on the face, every other character with their mouths open, harmonizing to the score as he stands silent, I’m changed, I’ll never forget that, the ending is perfect, I feel like a cloud, I contemplate another tangerine, I decide against it, my floor stained with citrus juice. I think about writing this for a while, I start to hallucinate the film, I go to sleep.
 Failed experiment, I’ll try again later.