You like him – we all know this; we have watched you posting "cryptic" Instagram memes from M-F of last week arguing the legitimacy of crush psychosis when you should have definitely been working. We heard you almost rear-ending the car in front of you at Starbucks drive-thru when your phone rang and you got so excited, you revved instead of braked. It was just your mom, your mom who could have offered you love guidance if you just told her what was going on versus also posting this to your Instagram story and making us all never want to be in your passenger's seat ever again.

Well, hold on – brake for me, baby. Listen to this: what if your new manly obsession has a small dick? Did you ever think of that? Did you ever think you're wasting your time on someone who'll eventually ghost you, can never pay for your health insurance and his, PLUS has a tiny wee-wee? Shouldn't we find this out before we proceed? He's texted you, right? Jesus, I hope he has by now. Well listen up, you hot bitch, you nonbinary royalty, you glorious goddess who's unworthy of little girth, you princess of eggplant emoji passion, you boy wanting a real man, you asexual enigma who’s additionally entitled to a hunk, lemme tell you what's up (or rather, how up he can get):

When you texted him something passive aggressive because he didn't answer your text in a timely manner, did he ignore you harder? Small dick energy (SDE).

When you asked him if he's free for drinks any time this week and he responded, hours later, with, "I'm remodeling and getting new furniture for my apartment" – SMALL DICK ENERGY. (But also, he may be gay; no judgment on that; judgement on him not being able to straightforwardly and immediately text you, “No, I’m not interested.”)

When you sent him an Eventbrite link to a play to take him out for his birthday that's seven months away and he NEVER opened your DM, that's SDE (small dick energy).

When you told him you're not going to bother him every three hours anymore but instead focus on other men and he responded with, "ok," not even with the grammatically correct capitalization of "OK" – yes, you guessed it: that's small dick energy.

When something (or some "thing" – remember, that's what they called it in Shakespearean times) is not for you, it will hurt you until you understand it; the universe wants you not to be hurt by a man with a small dick.

When you're experiencing dental issues, waiting for a permanent molar crown and your temporary one keeps continuously falling out, causing you to chew toothlessly under extreme pain and duress, and you text your love interest if he'll pre-chew your food for you on your first date then baby bird it into your mouth, and he responds with, "WTF?" that is not the man for you. That is a man with a small dick.

Let me strongly repeat – actually wait, hold on, repeat it with me: that is not the man for you. That is a man with a small dick. You were intimately interested in eating his regurgitated food and falling in undying love; it's not that weird. You were enduring harrowing teeth ordeals and needing help. If you're swapping fluids in other ways, pre-chewing food for a tooth invalid is so low on the spectrum of organism love exchange.

If you're having a fight and texting him every damn thing in the world that's wrong with him and if you're texts were copy-and-pasted into a Microsoft Word document, you'd already be on single-spaced page four of Calibri font size 11, and he responds to your near infinitesimal epithets of complaint with a "Jesus Christ, can I just call you and we discuss this over the phone?" Congratulations! You've most likely found someone with a HUGE dick! He doesn't run from conflict because honestly, his dong weight is too heavy to carry.

And if he texts you back, "Man, you're fucking problematic but I Goddamn love you anyway. I have booked our reservation at 8," know that that man, that man right there is not packed like a man, but a Goddamn horse. A smaller man would text you to fuck off and go get some therapy. But this guy, this guy can take your bullshit because he's built to handle long lengths of anger when you make his blood boil – if you're penetrating what I mean.

This Valentine's Day, it's all about conflict resolution and him accepting that you may or may not be insane but loving you nevertheless. That's a pure, true sign of secure attachment style and a very big penis.

We always want more because we always deserve more, whether it's sensual, sexual, emotional or tactile. As the old romance adage goes, "If you're going to fuck us over, at least be good at fucking."

So ladies, bisexuals, boys who like boys, nonbinary people and everyone and anyone who hearts a great schlong, please save yourselves the double heartbreak of being heartbroken by someone who also has a small penis. The world is hard enough to survive as is; we do not need penile insufficiency in our beautiful lives. (Again, nothing wrong if that describes you – we're all naturally made how we're naturally made – but do you think you can trump the nature versus nurture debate by at least learning how to send us a nurturing, nice timely text? Especially on the ONE DAY a year that’s dedicated to love? Thanks, Big Boy!)