Some things you should know about my best friend* Chelsea Martin
By Elizabeth Ellen
Number One: Today is Chelsea’s 40th Birthday!!!!
I’m not going to assign a number to any of the other things you should know about Chelsea so here they are in no particular order.
I first met Chelsea martin in either 2009 or very, very early 2010.
Either way, Chelsea was a mere babe.
I honestly never thought about how I am 17 years older than Chelsea until just now.
Wow.
Just goes to show you how Chelsea has been wise beyond her years a very long time.
And or I have been emotionally stunted.
I like to think Chelsea has been wise beyond her years.
Other than the time in a bar in rural Ohio when Chelsea saw a picture of Brutus, the Ohio State Buckeye, on the wall and asked if it was a loaf of bread :/
Chelsea Martin knows a lot about 90s alternative rock!
Chelsea Martin loves that boy band that did the song “mmmmm bop.” I always forget the name of the band but I remember they are three brothers and I think Chelsea had a crush on the drummer and maybe his name was Zach or Zack or Zac.
I’m in a house w/out wifi rn but even if I had wifi I wouldn’t google the name of that boy band just on sheer principle.
I honestly don’t know what principle I could be talking about.
I just know ppl say “sheer” before “principle” sometimes and it sounds cool or legit.
Chelsea Martin is both cool and legit.
Chelsea Martin went to an art school or college in California which makes her very cool and very legit.
Chelsea Martin is the funniest person I know. (is it possible I don’t know that many funny ppl?)
Chelsea Martin could do stand up, but, like, very dry stand up like Stephen Wright.
88% of readers of this will have no idea who Stephen Wright is.
As Chelsea would say: whatever.
Chelsea Martin had a Nicki Minaj shirt from K’Mart that she used to wear on tour. (I miss that shirt.)
One time Chelsea and I went on a tour of the west coast with Scott McClanahan and the tour was called Lil’ Bitch.
No one had an iPhone back then so there are no surviving photos of Chelsea and Scott and I from that tour. Isn’t that strange? It seems like it must have taken place in the 80s or something for there to be zero pictures but it was only something like 2012.
One time Chelsea and I went to Jamaica with three other women including Chloe Caldwell and Chelsea was the only one who bought her own plane ticket. I’ve never forgotten that.
Chelsea is very independent.
Another time Chelsea and I went to Miami with Mira Gonzalez and Chloe and we all got tattoos and Chelsea’s said “absolutely!”
That was the infamous stolen tampons that Chelsea never shut up about trip.
Another time Chelsea and Mira and Chloe and I went to Vegas to see Britney Spears.
I don’t have anything funny to add about that experience.
I think all Chelsea’s tampon boxes remained intact in Vegas.
Oh, wait. I remember in Vegas the four of us sat at an oxygen bar in a mall and we were all going to write about the experience and two of us did and two of us didn’t so the two that did never got their writing about the oxygen bar read by the general public.
As Chelsea would say: whatever.
I think maybe we went to see a not-that-famous magician Mira had dated or who was friends with someone Mira had dated or something in Vegas. In addition to Britney Spears.
For almost two years Chelsea and her husband Ian lived near me in Michigan and those were a couple of the best years of my life.
I feel like if Chelsea still lived in Michigan I’d make better life choices. but maybe that’s just me trying to blame Chelsea for all my bad decisions instead of taking accountability.
I feel like even tho I just said something about accountability, I still want to blame Chelsea.
Blaming Chelsea for stuff makes me feel closer to her in some way.
One time Chelsea and I went with my daughter and two of her friends to James Dean’s hometown and stayed overnight and drank in our room – me and Chelsea. I don’t know if Chelsea really knew who James Dean is. I don’t think she ever saw any of his movies. There are only three movies James Dean was in. I don’t think Chelsea saw any of them but we went to James Dean’s gravesite and took a picture. Mostly it was just an excuse to go on another road trip with Chelsea.
Chelsea Martin is one of the most brilliant living writers.
After reading her most recent manuscript I wrote in my journal:
Been in bed all day reading Chelsea’s manuscript which is fucking BRILLIANT. Like, one of most brilliant novels I’ve ever read. Top three? Def by anyone I know. Maybe TOP for anyone I know. BRILLIANT!!!!!!!!!!
Eventually, Chelsea and Ian moved back to the other side of the country and it went from seeing each other one to three times a week or more to almost never seeing each other. :/
I remember sitting on the floor in the kitchen of their Michigan house the last night they were here and Chelsea and I both crying a lot.
Sometimes I feel really sad and depressed and lonely and think about Chelsea feeling sad and depressed and lonely and it sucks we are this far geographically apart.
One of the best things about being friends with Chelsea – aside from her subtle wit and brilliant creative mind – is how she doesn’t laugh that often or for insincere reasons, so when she does, it really feels good (if you make her laugh).
Another great thing about Chelsea is what an amazing, loving mom she is.
And wife (from what I can tell! haha).
Lastly: one time I made a rash decision to get bangs. I cried and cried and cried about this rash decision I’d made. The bangs did not look amazing. That night, unbeknownst to me, Chelsea cut her bangs herself with scissors in her bathroom like in high school.
I felt really supported and loved when Chelsea cut her bangs too.
Happy 40th Birthday, Chelsea Martin: lil bitch :)
I love you!
*I always think of the Girls episode (the 1st?) in which the girls are in Hannah’s bathroom at her party and Marnie says “Hannah is my best friend” and Jessa says, mockingly, “best friend, best friend, she’s my best friend!” whenever I say “so and so is my best friend.” In truth, I have three “best friends” – Chelsea, Chloe and my childhood friend Becky.
Also, I’m pretty sure both Chloe and Chelsea (and Mira?) have seen every episode of SATC multiple times and I’ve never watched the series. But I’ve watched Girls three times. So. Whatever.
KEVIN SAMPSELL
I still have a solid visual memory of reading Chelsea’s first email to me/Future Tense Books. It was 2008 and though we weren’t technically taking submissions, there was a note on the website that said something non-committal like, If you’re a writer who wants to get on our radar feel free to email us and say hello. I think we’d been listed in one of those Writers’ Market books, so I was getting an overload of not-great/unwanted submissions every day. Chelsea’s email was short and casual, like a note passed to a classmate in a history class. It just said something like: "I think you guys are cool." There was a link to her website, which at the time was jerk ethics. I clicked on it and was instantly entertained by the variety of humor and weirdness that was on there. There were poems, lists, drawings, zines, and I think even clothes and other objects. It was almost like a catalog and the descriptions were really strange.
I’m not sure how long it took for me to write back but I think it was pretty quick. I didn’t know if she had a manuscript, per se, but I was interested in doing some kind of book with her that would contain all these different things she was doing. So I just asked her to send me a bunch of stuff. I really wanted her debut to be a SHOWCASE! And it was. Everything Was Fine Until Whatever is still one of the most fun book creations I’ve worked on with Future Tense. Some of my favorite things about it: the drawing of the couple dancing under a ceiling fan, the tiny aphorisms that we scattered through the book that are so small you’d have to use a magnifying glass to read them, and the author photo where Chelsea’s messy hair and wide-eyed expression makes it look like she just survived a tornado.
After the book came out (April 2009), it was so fun to hear about people’s reactions to it. I was really happy to be her friend and to see her writing talents and creative energy just keep building. It was always a treat when she’d come up to Portland and I’d get to hang out with her (sometimes with my old book designer Bryan Coffelt, who also loved her) and hear about what she was working on or about other writers and art that she was excited about. I think she’s had an inspiring life and I’m always proud of her. Happy birthday, Chelsea!
WALKER FINNIE
Nearly 20 yrs ago I met Chelsea Martin, and it is the last time I was determined
to be friends with someone who scared the shit out of me. Determined in the way
an acneic adolescent boy is determined, rendered dumb and mute by the
presence of the coolest girl in school but knowing deep down he’ll somehow
emerge victorious.
At that time, I was imprinting Chelsea’s sensibilities onto an as yet untapped (for
me) iteration of a self-actualized woman. But, of course, my egotistical fixation
and need to be acknowledged by Chelsea obscured the fact of her infinitely more
bizarre heart and mind. It wasn’t until I read her writing that I showed up at a
party armored with actual information and as I casually talked to Chelsea and
tried desperately to seem insouciant, plunged my hand into a bowl of hummus
while pretending it wasn’t happening. I remember a smile widened across her
gorgeous face as I realized I didn’t need to be some cool girl to win her over. I
was more than content (grateful, even) to be her clown.
Now Chelsea Martin is my friend. I love her like a sister and curse the fact that
we live hundreds of miles apart, but I thank God that she is the rare individual
with whom I can share my nonsequitous anxieties and obsessions without
explanation. I wish we could talk more often, and I fantasize about living in the
same assisted living home one day and smacking our gums. At that point I’ll
probably have dementia but be able to summon some of Chelsea’s phrases
which will remain indelible in my brain, like “fake it ’til you’re fake as fuck”. I can
already feel her grimace at this flop walk between a wedding speech and a
eulogy, and I hope she can forgive me before then. Happy Birthday Chelsea
Martin, I will always be a simp for you.
BRAD LISTI
The first time I ever spoke to Chelsea was by phone, in the earlier days of the Otherppl podcast. She was, I think, if I remember this correctly, in Oakland, and we had a somewhat strange but entertaining conversation, and it was clear to me that she was both very smart and very funny in an offbeat sorta way, and I liked her immediately, though I wasn’t really sure if she liked me.
The second time I talked to Chelsea was, I think, in person, in my garage—also for the show. I remember it being at night. I don’t usually interview people at night. I remember feeling plaintive. Maybe I was just tired. Maybe both. It doesn’t really matter.
And then we spoke again when Chelsea published Tell Me I’m an Artist, which is, I think, a really great book, one that felt to me like the realization of something that she had been working toward for a long time. I found it to be incredibly wise and funny and heartfelt, an inspired work of fiction and personal expression. I just loved it. Everyone should read it.
And what else?
I’m happy to say that Chelsea and I have become true friends over the years—especially through our respective experiences as parents. Both of us have kids with complex medical stuff, and this can be a lonely road, lonelier than most people realize. It’s a fairly unique situation to be in—not without its rewards!—and because we share it, we have a kind of sacred bond and a shorthand that I appreciate so much.
So, Chelsea: happy birthday! Love you. You’re a great person and a great mom, and you’re one of the most talented artists I know. Wishing you every good thing.
CHLOE CALDWELL
Chelsea didn't really want to be my friend, but by circumstance, had to be. I kept sending my work to whatever publisher she did (SF/LD, Future Tense, Soft Skull), and Elizabeth took us both on a handful of book tours. I was simply around her and now she thinks of me as a friend. I think? Once she signed her book Caca Dolce to me as "FOR MY BEST FRIEND" in a sarcastic manner.
That's what I like about Chelsea, she keeps us guessing, wondering. What will she do / say / write next?
She will probably hate this birthday attention, whereas I would love it, that's one of the major differences between us.
Earnestly, Chelsea is genuinely one of the only writers who makes me laugh out loud, and she's an incredible mom. She claims I stole her tampons, but I forgive her.
