swan song

puffy eyes wet like q-tips, swollen
and drooping 
in the diaphanous dawn,
drinking Chock Full o’Nuts 
in your I ♡ Jesus mug. 

so this is it. body so sobbed out
if something moved me
in any direction emotionally,
i’d keel over, and crumple
into the recycled pile,
to be dragged out to the curb, 
among Fancy Feast cans
and Modelo bottles. 

i loved you i loved you i loved you so much
i carved out a space in my SOUL
for you to reside in, always. 
when you pulled away,
i filled the crater with whatever i could:
scraps of your sweater, skin flakes from your Hawaii sunburn, 
pencil shavings, platitudes, excruciating silences, your 90 day coin, 
precious hours in Prospect spent catching autumn leaves, 
the cold biscotti sludge at the bottom of your coffee mug—
                         and it all felt so real, i could convince 
                   myself it was really you that existed there.

yesterday i stuck my fingers in the hole
and wriggled around, trying to find you.
i pulled out a pair of snotted in socks,
an Arthur Russell CD, a toy car 
crafted from a soup can,
so many cigarette butts,
curls of melted candle wax, 
                    and found the space
vacant. 

what to do with this boyfriend sized chasm?
i’m leaking all over the city. 

POETRY READING

in the dim drab dark. steady din of discourse enfolds us
as we wait. lowkey philosophical. wooden chairs arranged
haphazardly, shifted by conversation, like desire paths…
or sand spun mandalas from pufferfish mating rituals.
this is my interpretation of that. WATCH ME (>ᴗ•) !

we buy High Noon’s from the Chinese liquor store
for the pregame. chug them in the basement.
fully clothed in the shower, i hike my heel up. half moon pose.
c’mon…don’t you want to keep me in your camera roll?

hey guys, i’m going to read you something. as i speak
the heater is like hmmm. everybody’s laughing.
at me? with me? feeding on their laughter
like a fish, 
closing around a nightcrawler.
i’m so gullible.
the hook lances my lower lip.
OH NO they’re reeling me into the audience clout boat!
no no no no no no no PUT ME BACK.
i want to swim!!!
.° 。𖦹˚ 𓆝 。𖦹°

new years elegy

11:52. curled up in the clawfoot with a girl i don’t know.
force fed Swedish meatballs by a gluten free Mets fan.
masticating slowly like i forgot how. i can’t taste anything,
it’s all texture. jeering hardwood stairs, sparse clouds
of soft carpeting. a warm body beside me, pretty face
still rendering itself. i think i will kiss him. i guess. 
sobbing in the I Love You way with Yay over the sink.
dead skin collects lipstick pigment. peel it off w/ my teeth,
chewing the shreds for sustenance, spare calories to burn.

we migrate to the kitchen, suffusing the swarms 
of beautiful Brooklynites. so many sweet strangers. 
who’s dicing onions? bc i can’t seem 
to keep my smudged liner from sliding south.

Now Entering News Years Oblivion.
3....
         2…
1….
          —smooch.
             and onto the next chapter, like
licking your index finger to unstick the pages,
surrendering to whatever
this pandemonium produces. key
after key, til one fits snug
in the lock. turning
over a new leaf,
and discovering a cluster of rot,
                              and strange, squirming insects.

SARDINE_ENJOYER TWITTER DIARY

Dec 6
guys i’m just a poet

Dec 7 
fuck it, i’ll capitulate. guess i’m an e-girl now.

Dec 12 
week 3 no sex…i can move the water bottle with my mind…

Dec 15 
my roommates experienced soul bond the other night and won’t stop speaking in riddles

Dec 15 
Chat what if i never love again

Dec 17 
threw my flip phone at my laptop and broke the screen. the dangers of technology are far worse than i ever could’ve imagined.

Dec 21 
suddenly i’m surrounded by so many mustached men.

Dec 25 
i’m gonna start tweeting

Dec 30 
Please Mind the Gap Relationship

Jan 8 
crashing out so astronomically, nothing will ever be the same

Jan 10 
The Ulta worker was mean to me i was so polite and she was mean to me so i ate all the lipstick

Jan 11 
I’m going to say everything on my mind for as long as i live, no matter the consequences

Jan 12
i was fuckin on a slut and i was posting abt u

Jan 13 
never have i ever had any clout

Jan 14 
is Yeat…Deleuze? Idk…my roommate saying some shit

Jan 15 
ah….to groom your groomer. to goon your gooner. the circle of life.

Jan 19 
Not beating the sick freak allegations. even though i’m a sweetheart.

Jan 20 
can’t stop hanging out with writers.

Jan 21
I think I could bag Conor Oberst

Jan 21
Never mind about Conor Oberst I actually don’t care

Jan 21
i’m subtweeting YOU.