At Larry’s

We’re by the pool at Larry’s
On the chaise
In the sun
You on your back
Me stretched out on top
It feels terrible
I keep sliding off
We’re both sweating
My heart hurts
Our bodies not fitting together
Is becoming a theme
But we still have the same middle name
And the painting in your studio still looks like my dog
Asia, the dog from my childhood, the Australian shepherd
With the crazy eyes. Remember?

I’m afraid to take the Xanax you gave me
Afraid to drink the wine
Afraid to eat the pork chop you cooked 
Afraid to swim in the pool
I’m sure you’re trying to poison me
Drown me
Stab me
I’m not afraid of the meth, though
That I still want

You won’t stop fixing things
It’s making me nervous
You’re fixing all the cameras in the house
Connecting them together
Twisting all the wires

The Cinnamon Toast Crunch people are getting rowdy
They spring from their box and scatter on the patio
I keep trying to sweep them up
But I can only move backwards
Like someone hit rewind and I’m a video
On your Xtube
That you’re still making money from
If you’re even still alive
Are you still alive?

The sun aims its missile at my head

The funny part is
I’m about to die
And I haven’t even met Larry

Fucked by an Alien

It was something I’d always wanted:
To get fucked by an alien
Ever since I read about it in that Octavia Butler book
The one with all the tentacles
I wanted to get fucked
In a way that didn’t feel like getting fucked
Because I hated getting fucked
But I kept doing it anyway
I wanted it to feel so much better
Or so much worse
That it jogged me out of whatever
Funk I’d fallen into
When Matt and I broke up
In 2009. 2010?
I remember sitting on the sidewalk outside Forrest’s
His old place on Beaver Street
Sitting on the sidewalk crying about Matt
So sad I couldn’t stand up
I’d never felt so sad in all my life
Forrest was inside cooking lobster
Wondering where I was
I think eventually he came outside and helped me
Gave me some lobster …

After that I just started getting fucked
I had sex with hundreds of people
I remember a lot of them
I’ve forgotten some, too
I can’t remember a single time where it actually felt good
Finally I got so fucked up
That the alien came down and fucked me
Just like I always wanted
Just like in the book
Tentacles inside me
Squirming through my skin
Injecting its serum in my eyes

It wasn’t really like that
It wasn’t like my fantasy at all
First he was just standing there
Next to the bed
Speaking some weird language
He acted like he knew me
Like he’d been watching from above
He was mushy and blue
Bug-eyed, lizard-like
It’s hard to describe
He had those eyelids
That crocodiles have
The clear ones
They blinked open and shut
He just stood there
And then he fucked me
He was on top
I didn’t get any pleasure 
Any therapeutic value
It felt like being bitten by a shark
I was so fucking scared

On “Glamorizing” Drug Use

Oh, fuck off. Lmao
Shut up. Fuck off
Eat a dick

Belle

Belle is on one tonight fr
She’s drunk on cheap whiskey
Slobbering at the mouth
She wants the shit in Vivi’s nightstand
She’ll do anything to get it
Bren told her it was in there
And I was the one who told Bren
I guess that makes me the instigator
Of this whole thing
Of Belle cornering Pussy Baby in the back house
Of Pussy Baby cornering me
Of me whispering in Vivi’s ear
“She needs it, she needs it”
Eventually Vivi gave in
She relented to the pressure
There was no reason to keep the shit
Belle was going to buy more anyway
“Belle will sponsor your high,” I said
Belle cooked the shit in a spoon (unnecessary!)
And pushed it in her vein
With a hormone needle (too thick!)
Then wandered around the land alone

The other thing Belle did
Was burn three holes in my thigh
With her cigarette
Revenge for the chaos I’d caused

Much later I asked for a vial of her blood
Via text message
I was wandering in Central Park
The way she’d wandered at Ida
Pupils bulging
Teeth bared
Sick with desire
Belle texted back, said no