tubercular beauty
i think i have always been this way
locked in a sanatorium of my own making
healing does not happen here
these are not my proudest moments
cursed with unhinged devotion
let God drag me across a desert of broken
glass quietly bleed at the altar of you
lick out each tiny sliver with cartographer tongue until you are satisfied with my suffering
beg you to forgive my intensity, my limerence
love has led me to places i wouldn’t even go with a Gun
everything i touch shimmers, including you
say thank you
remember when i ruined dinner by taking a bone saw to my sternum?
splayed myself open like your bible
memories wet and heavy; a damp cold that penetrates bone
i am desperate for transformation
bloody antlers shedding their summer velvet
there is a sweetness in all of the poison
this is the milky eye of a thousand year storm
perfect stillness
pylons are like angels the way they carry electricity high above the earth
i don’t know why the only love i seek is punishing
the fallout space
the stillness has gone from dreamy to unnerving
a dusty film covers every surface i can barely see
half-awake taking a drowsy piss
panties around my ankles
doubled over as the cramping intensifies
a blood clot drops from between my thighs and sinks to the bottom of the toilet bowl leaving a swirl of scarlet behind
moments later the toilet water is blush pink
did you know that venous blood is darker than arterial blood because it lacks oxygen?
is religious sacrifice tax deductible?
will i be granted entry into heaven if the suffering i endure is artistic and ritualized?
this pain feels biblical and concerning
maybe i should go to urgent care
maybe i should go to mass
all thoughts are pure if you commit to them
bleed for them and
are disgusting enough
i’ve chewed the inside of my cheeks raw
this is divine accelerationism
ambient terror
he ghosted me and i’m addicted to what refuses to love me back
i am the thing he called depraved
i just want to fuck with my eyes open
personal growth is putting medicine on my broken heart(ego) instead of picking at it
i think i’ll lay down for a bit
