Some Notes on Sex

Sex with certain partners is simple, like riding a ski lift, but with others requires more effort, like climbing a set of steps cut into a steep hillside. Sometimes the view from the top is spectacular, but usually it hardly seems worth it. 

“Sincere personal service” sounds like something you’d get in a funeral home, not from a lover. I find it more seductive when you’re wry, if not duplicitous. 

Sometimes being an introvert makes me do strange things in bed, like leave on my eye mask and pretend to be asleep while I seduce you. 

Showing your partner a picture of a gun and saying, “There, doesn’t that get you excited?” isn’t everyone’s ideal of foreplay. If violence is only half-sexualized, video games and cinema have more work to do. Rape is a fertile if fraught metaphor. 

Sex is good for your heart, according to someone. But so are pets, and pets love you back. Who said “No intimacy without reciprocity”?

With blowjobs, as with many things, the habitual practice of the craft leads to less self-consciousness. Imagine yourself in a serene locale. Imagine yourself as not possessing teeth. But not so hard that you forget you have them, because that could be dangerous. 

I scrawl your name on the sole of my shoe, the strap of my backpack, and my bathroom stall all to show: I want to do you. But if you never see me how will you know? And if you ever do see me, will you feel a sudden bolt, or will you grow gradually more passionate? Or are you the type that prefers unrequited love? 

At work, I want to push myself to go beyond where I've been—same as in bed. Everyone talks about the 40-hour work week, but we also have a 40-hour bed week.

Among my irrational fears is getting pulled out of bed by my feet in the middle of the night—hence my attempting to never sleep alone, or sleep in a bed.

When talking dirty, be sure to use action words and nouns that cause pictures inside people’s heads. End with an image and don't explain. 

Secrets To Achieving Intimacy 

I can’t help it if I think it’s sexy when you talk Republican
It’s sexy when you say Is that a fact? all rude and sarcastic

It’s sexy like a kick to the shins is sexy, by candlelight
Let’s play Sardines—as hiding games go, it’s sexy

Do you find it sexy, this stifling and sweat-laced bodysuit?
One of the last things I did before leaving New York was participate in a threesome—it’s sexy, but maybe
               not in a way you’d imagine

The song on the radio? It’s “Sexyback” by Justin Timberlake
Do you fuck in a time signature, and if so, do you think it’s sexy? Follow up: Planck time or Newtonian?

While it’s sexy when you wear all black, it’s sexier when your patterns clash
He’s sexy, she’s sexy, it’s sexy—I’m no expert, but I’m trying to tell you I like your dog

I can’t stop touching my iPhone—almost like it’s sexy, as if it were my genitals
Sexy-talk is rarely sexy; it’s sexy-thinking you need to master

Loneliness in the midst of a boisterous crowd—it’s sexy, but not sexy enough to get somebody to go
               home with you automatically
If you think it’s sexy when I coo like a dove, you might have the bird flu

According to Ovid, Cupid had two sets of arrows with different tips: gold to induce love and lead to kill
               it—it’s sexy to be in control
Call me a slut and pull my hair: if it’s sexy once, it’s sexy every time