KRAFTWERK
I asked Ralf Hütter if I’d be part of the Autobahn tour. He asked if I’d ever heard of Pete Best. Who? I was dismissed shortly thereafter and was sometimes called the “Fifth Kraut.” Nobody ever tells me anything until it’s too late. Then they tell me. I’ll never understand that.
HANDY HINT
While I’m feeding my son’s gorilla skeleton, I livestream everything with a vacuum cleaner. Then, when you aren’t looking, I tie you up with a greasy rope left behind by a stuttering drunk. The possibilities are endless.
TIMMY JOHN
I remember the first time we left little Timmy John alone. We had one of those doors for the cat to go in and out of. Sure enough, when we got home, little Timmy John had his head caught in it. He wasn't hurt or anything—just a little frightened. But the cat was mad.
THE VOICE
Have you ever wondered why that voice in your head telling you to try harder doesn’t sound like your voice?
PERSONAL
- Your brother lives in my neighborhood. 2. You are left-handed. 3. You carry a blue briefcase. 4. Your grandfather collects insects.
SHY
After years of struggling with shyness, I started carrying a hand mirror and a throwing knife. It’s amazing how well this works.
BROKEN
I told my doctor I broke my arm in two places. He told me to stay away from those places.
ART HISTORY
I first visited Paris when I was finishing my PhD in art history. I was shown through the Louvre by a famous curator. After viewing all this great art, I began to feel ill. I thought I was having an aesthetic experience. The next day in Belgium, I learned I had food poisoning.
LIFE HACK
Don’t read comments on the internet.
MOM
At lunch today mom kept letting out these Freudian slips like, “I wish you’d never been born.”
NORMAL
I was back to normal physically in a day or two, but I was still feeling guilty for another week.
BEVERLY GARLAND
It was a lot of work keeping Beverly’s husband, Filmore Crank, from finding out about us. One other thing: The last time I wore a swimsuit while swimming was June 27, 1976.
RESUME
Microsoft Office is not a skill.
MY WIFE
I know it’s unusual, but I don’t know exactly how old my wife is. I do know that she’s younger than me, judging by her teeth (I forced open her jaws when we first got engaged).
GOOD NEWS, BAD NEWS
“The bad news is time flies. The good news is you’re the pilot.” Somebody on a bus told me that.
QUOTATION
“It is the scissors that make the picture, the cut.” -Billy Wilder
