01.10.25   01.11.25

It's really important to me that you know I only wanted you back in my life because I care about you. I never wanted you to be a boyfriend or a lover or a partner or anything other than yourself. It wasn't my intention. and it wasn't my idea.

It was yours.

I don't understand what the point of any of it was. I understand well enough the desire to be loved, adored, touched, admired, validated. I would have given you those things regardless. I would give anything you ask. I don't understand giving me something so willingly and then taking it away so wholly.

As if I stole it from you. I took it. I slipped in, unnoticed, and took it. I was caught. Now I must be punished.

You are so frightened by the weight of my expectations that you can't see all I needed was a friend.

Now, we are nothing. Two ghosts.

Just earlier that day on the phone, I was being a bit whiny about wanting to see you. I just felt so alone. I needed a friend.

"Are you feeling insecure?"

"Well... no. I guess in the sense that I feel fundamentally unlovable. but not insecure about you, specifically."

Then you reassured me I was not unlovable. Ironic and cruel. Thanks.

I know it isn't just about me. I know. But it fucking hurts all the same.

I am a person who you love. I am a person who loves you. I am a person. You see me. Even through the fog I know that you can. Even if you'd rather be blind.

Not a normal conversation between two people but a one paragraph brush off instead. I know you don't feel as though you have the energy for that conversation. I would have waited until you did. I just don't think you get it. Or maybe you just don't believe me. I am quite honestly insulted by how you ended things but I'm trying to be more understanding than angry. It's important for you to know I am angry. Not because I want you to feel guilt but because I need you to know I care. I care enough to be angry and hurt.

All I ever wanted from the beginning was to help you- whatever that needed to be, whatever that looked like. I was only trying to help. I don't need anything from you. I never did. I wanted to give, not take. I am so sorry if you felt like I just wanted to take it. I am sorry that even though I want to pretend like I would just publish this and hope you cared enough to check I am instead going to send it to you. I am sorry that all I want is for you to show up to my apartment and let me hold you. I am sorry that I am a person who needs to talk about things and get things off her chest instead of just letting it go. (I thought you liked to talk about feelings?) I'm sorry I believed you when you said all those things and let you keep pretending. I am sorry that I am so available to you.

I am sorry I thought this was different.

I am sorry.

I am not sorry that I care so much and that maybe I care more than I should or care more than you want me to. I am not sorry I love you.

The silence is really scary to me because I am so worried that you are isolating for a reason. You know the reason, you know the fear. I just have to have faith in you that you're trying to figure it out I guess.

In the meantime I will leave the box of mac and cheese I bought to keep in my pantry, just in case I need to feed you, collect dust. In the meantime I will cry in the shower and pretend to all those people I told about you that it was mutual, and not a big deal.

In the meantime I'll try to leave you alone.